Anxiety Update

Guess what people....it hasn't gone away. Too bad I can't wish this away. But that is okay. I thought I was doing way better and then had another little anxiety attack and it threw my game off. I FINALLY made an appointment to see that counselor. And of course...again I had anxiety about going to see her. Who wants to talk to a stranger and tell them all of their problems and how you feel like a psycho maniac that can't control their own mind.....yeah not so fun. BUT it was the best decision ever. She was super friendly and not a weirdo analyzing everything I was doing. At least I couldn't tell that she was. And two things that already made me feel a thousand times better 1) I am going to be okay. Sometimes it is just reassuring that a professional can tell you with confidence that you are going to get through this and that it is normal and that I am not alone. 2) Anxiety means you are either always living in the past or the future. For those who have anxiety this will just click. I had never realized that before but it is so true. I either worry about something I did or how I acted. Or I worry about what is going to happen or how I am going to react to something. Both are completely out of my control. Both leave me feeling hopeless and helpless. So in order to get past the anxiety, I have to retrain that ol' brain of mine to think in the present. And I already got to test some skills she taught me. I was also surprised to find that after I wrote my first post on anxiety, how many other friends came to me or wrote me a message explaining their stories and fights with mental illness. I am ready to fight this beast! Bring it.

The 'Tude'

So since we have at least a year left here in Rexburg, I have come to the realization that I can either have a horrible attitude about it and be miserable or I can change the 'tude' and have a happy last year here in Idaho. It is not always easy but here is a list of simple things that have made me so happy lately!

1. Farmers driving their tractors on main roads....I know. Who would have thought. But seriously every time I see one I get so excited. The bigger the better. And today I saw one on the back roads that caused me to pull off to the side because it took up the ENTIRE road. So of course, I was WAY happy. And I must admit I even wave to the farmers...every time. Makes me feel cool.

2. When a client cancels. Just means I get to spend more time with my family. When I get home I run from the parking lot to my apartment because I'm so excited to see Ruby and Eric. And possibly because I could use the exercise.

3. Ruby. Of course. Her newest words "oh wow" and it gets me every time. So dang CUTE! And picking up "baby" and rocking her. Oh and dancing together. I become a big puddle of mushy goodness full of warm fuzzies.

4. Fantasy Basketball. I like doing something that Eric likes...even if I have no clue what I am doing.  I am crushing this guy though right now and it's thrilling. Eric has class with him and I made sure Eric talked some trash for me :) Oh and I am impatiently waiting for week 3 when I can kick Eric's butt. A little friendly competition is good for the relationship.

5. Family History....addicted. I like doing it during Ruby's nap time and I feel like Sherlock Holmes.

6. Listening to Dave Ramsey on my way home from work. It makes the drive go by fast. I love hearing his rants about stupid people and it also makes me grateful for the situation we are in.

Anxiety

I have always been an anxious person. Looking back now, I was even an anxious kid. I'm not talking about being a little anxious for a test or giving a talk. The anxiety I'm talking about is excessive. I can remember trying to spend the night at a friend's house, who lives down the block, and having to come home due to "upset stomach". This happened more times then I can count. As a kid that's what I thought it was. I was sick. But now having similar symptoms when I am anxious, I realize it was something more. I also refused to go to school in second grade because I had a "mean" substitute teacher while my regular teacher was on maternity leave. I'm pretty sure I went to the school counsellor for that. All I remember about that was I got to color, write stories (one of which we still have called, "The Mean Sub", its rather comical but I think it was meant to be a drama ), and I got to play with a squishy ball. Over the years, sometimes I have been more anxious then others. But it wasnt until recently that it seemed to escalate. I kept telling myself that I just needed to relax. But normal things were becoming difficult. I was told that our body has a physiological response to a situation and thinks that it responded correctly. So next time we are in that similar situation, our body says oh I remember this and responds the same way. So once you have a panic attack or anxiety in a particular situation, its hard to just relax or calm down when your heart begins to race, you start feeling faint, and your stomach feels sour.  Sometimes I dont feel anxious but the physical symptoms start and that causes me to be anxious and I get anxious about being anxious....I know...that's a lot of anxiety! I finally decided to buck up and go see a doctor. And yes I was anxious about seeing a doctor for anxiety. He said I have general anxiety disorder, and a little bit of panic disorder and social anxiety. Sounds like a lot! Somethings I have started working on and they are getting better. Others I am not so ready to dive into and work on them. I know a lot of people don't understand anxiety....heck I am not an expert myself. People sometimes just say change your attitude or just learn some coping skills and get over it! I use to think that myself. It however is not that easy. I am choosing not to go the medication route as of yet. I know for many it is needed and it has been super helpful. I just hope people will be more sensative to these issues. And I hope that by me talking about it, that it will be a little healing in some ways.