PTSD/Anxiety

Just writing the title of this is difficult. I am not really sure why. As many of you know, I have struggled with anxiety off and on the last couple of years. It seems to get worse after having babies (and of course the last pregnancy was traumatic in general). But this time I was more prepared for what was to come. Or so I thought. About a month after the babies came home, I started experiencing some really odd emotions. I would see the babies preemie clothes and my heart would begin racing and my stomach would turn to knots. I was on so many support groups on FB for the pregnancy, which was super helpful during it, but afterwards I began to feel panicked when I saw pictures of other babies in the NICU. It was difficult to look at anything that reminded me of my hospital stay or the NICU. I would have nightmares that the twins were dying. I started feeling tremendous guilt as well. I felt guilty for only being able to see the twins for 3 hours a day while in the NICU. I felt guilty I had to leave Ruby so much and leaving extra pressure and responsibility on Eric during a difficult time. What was odd to me, was that I was experiencing all of this after the twins came home. During it, I felt like I was just surviving. And after the storm passed, I was flooded with all of these emotions.

I quickly realized I needed help after someone close to me was in labor and I struggled all day getting their updates. I was a wreck and I felt like I was going to have a panic attack all day long. Even though I wanted to feel happy for them, I was sad for my own experience and I no longer wanted to feel this way. It was draining.

I am happy to say though, I have been in counseling and working through PTSD and my anxiety. Last night I had to take Ellie to the ER at 3am because she has been sick with bronchiolitis and has been having difficulty breathing. I was a little nervous. When they hooked up her leads and I heard the all familiar sounds I heard in the NICU, my heart sank to my stomach. But what I have learned to do in counseling, is to move past the negative and towards the positive. I reminded myself that overall I have happy healthy twins. We couldn't love them anymore. And I have the most supportive family and husband.

I decided to write this because I don't like sharing it with others. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I can't be more in control of my emotions. But I am learning that I am not the only one and I don't need to be embarrassed or ashamed of how I feel. I hope that it will help others!

I often reread this story that I found in the Ensign during an especially difficult time. Here is just a portion of it

Tossed upon the Waves

In the middle of my anxiety and despair, I reread the account of the Jaredites crossing the “great deep” (Ether 2:25). I can only imagine their anxious anticipation as they entered their barges. Their journey might be perilous, but they knew they were headed to “a land choice above all other lands” (Ether 2:15).

Of their journey, we read:

“The Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind.

“And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind.

“… When they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters.

“And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind” (Ether 6:5–8).

These verses became personal to me. I felt that I was in my own barge, with winds of anxiety beating upon me and waves of depression swelling over me and burying me in the depths of despair. When I was “encompassed about” and would cry unto the Lord, I would break through the surface but would then be buried once more.

I read verse 8 again: “The wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land … and thus they were driven forth before the wind” (emphasis added). Then it hit me. The very wind that caused the mountainous waves to bury the barges also blessed the Jaredites on their journey. I had been pleading with Heavenly Father to calm the wind and waves, but without them, I might not reach whatever “promised land” He was leading me to.

Even in the ER this kid was happy and everyone loved her.